The most, gaudy, obnoxious, and awesome f*&^$&# flight of my life!

Update: Times have changed, and it’s now actually relatively easy to redeem miles for Emirates first class. That doesn’t make this particular flight any less awesome or amazing though. 😉

*&^# @!$*&# #&^$!

More from OMAAT FTC Investigating Airlines Over Personalized Pricing: Don’t Get Too Excited Read more

As y’all know I flew to London last night on British Airways and for reasons I can’t explain am typing this from a first class suite on an Emirates Airbus 380 bound for Dubai.

Look, I’ve done a fair bit of premium travel in my life.

I think I’ve flown first class on just about every one of the world’s top rated carriers.

I’ve even flown Qatar Airways (supposedly the “world’s five star airline”) and Etihad Airways, the two other big players in the Middle East. I wasn’t all that impressed by either carrier, so didn’t have high expectations of Emirates.

Emirates is literally in a league of their own.

They’re the most obnoxious airline I’ve ever flown by a long shot… and I’m loving every damn second of it!

I mean, this is an airline that has a built in vanity mirror at your seat. Because, ya know, who doesn’t love looking at themselves the whole flight with “star” lights on the border?

Each suite has more gold finishes than the mouths of the entire rap community.

You think the flight attendant introduces herself by saying “hi, I’m Jane, I’ll be taking care of you?”

Nope, more like “Mr. Lucky, my name is Jane, and it’s my absolute privilege to be serving you today. If you need anything at all don’t hesitate to let me know.”

Fancy some Dom or Johnnie Walker Blue Label?

Who needs that when you have your own retracting, lit up minibar consisting of VOSS water, Coke, Diet Coke, Perrier, 7-UP, and orange juice.

And forget caviar or Arabic mezze – you have your own snack basket with Pringles, Mars, Toblerone, shortbread cookies, mints, granola bars, and dried mango.

Most comical of all has to be that they have to remove it during takeoff, so they literally put it out during boarding for show, and then bring it back after takeoff (again, for show, because I don’t think anyone actually eats that stuff).

Now let’s talk about showers.

Emirates has two onboard spa suites, and a dedicated attendant for them.

And it’s friggin ridiculous.

The floors are heated.

Let me say that again – the floors in the shower room are heated! There’s even a bench in the shower in case there’s turbulence.

There are enough toiletries in there to start a resale business too.

After that shower I think my life peaked.

I mean, is there anything else in life worth experiencing after that?

I was literally giggling like a little girl the entire time I was in the shower, and wanted to cry when I was done. I was like the guy in those Viagra commercials (in terms of how happy I was, not… well, nevermind).

And of course just making a fully flat bed seven miles up in the sky wouldn’t be enough. That would be barbaric.

Instead there’s a flower and box of Godiva chocolates on the pillows.

And speaking of sleeping, a fully flat bed wouldn’t do the trick, would it? I thought not, because there are also stars on the ceiling.

And last but not least, maybe my favorite feature…

I really don’t know what to do with myself.

All I want to do for the rest of my life is fly Emirates first class.

I’m about to cry, as there are only 90 minutes left in this flight. Okay, maybe I need to slow down on my Dom consumption…

If you’d like to follow along even more closely (since Wi-Fi has meant that I’ve spent 90% of this flight online, feel free to follow me on Twitter or add me as a friend on Facebook).

And of course you can expect a full trip report soon.

Thanks to everyone that has followed along with this little journey so far. It’s only getting started!