Trip Report: Baltia Airlines First Class

Filed Under: Humor

You may have read some of Lucky’s previous posts about Baltia Airlines, America’s oldest startup airline. If not, check out this overview, and read up on the fine-tuning they’ve been doing to their business model and their pitch to investors.

I’ve been waiting about 30 years to fly with them (since well before Lucky was even born), so I was thrilled when I finally got my chance. I booked a first class ticket for April 1st and packed my bags!

Considering that Baltia is a newcomer on the aviation stage, I set my expectations pretty low, around the same level as their ½ cent stock price.

Baltia Stock

On Baltia, limo service is complimentary for first class passengers. Although I scheduled my limo to pick me up sometime during Dan Quayle’s vice presidency, it didn’t arrive until 2017. At least they kept me updated with frequent assurances that they were making significant progress toward picking me up.

My sweet ride, courtesy of Baltia!
My sweet ride, courtesy of Baltia!

Finally, the limo dropped me off at the airport. After check-in, I spent some time in Baltia’s lounge, which has kind of a shabby chic vibe.

Baltia's Soviet prison-themed lounge
Baltia’s Soviet prison-themed lounge

Shortly before the scheduled departure time, I headed to the gate to snap a photo of the plane.

baltia plane
Baltia Airlines aircraft

Then, I boarded the 747-200 (or was it a 767-300ER? Or an Avro RJ100? I wasn’t sure), ready for my trip to St. Petersburg (via Baltimore, Trenton, Islip, and Albany).

Imagine how impressed I was when they served caviar pre-departure.

baltia caviar
Caviar service on Baltia

After I finished the caviar (a bit fishy for my taste), I was beginning to wonder why we hadn’t yet departed. I was getting a little bored, so I decided to browse the inflight entertainment system. They only had one genre of movies, which was labeled “Heroes of American Industry.” The choices were a Bernie Madoff biopic, The Wolf of Wall Street, and a documentary about Enron. Odd.

I have to say, service was prompt and courteous. Flight attendants came through the cabin several times to see if anyone was interested in being connected with a Nigerian prince who was eager to give them millions of dollars in exchange for their bank account number.

I was so disappointed when the captain announced that our flight was canceled and that we would have to find alternate means of transportation. He said, “If you wish to be taken for a ride, we suggest purchasing some Baltia stock instead.”

As I was exiting the airport, I ran into a guy who seemed to be in a generous mood. He agreed to sell me a bridge for an amazing price. I’m still waiting for the deed, but he promises it’s in the mail!

My latest investment
  1. This is even more feeble than Lucky’s April Fool’s joke. Stick with the real reviews, guys – leave the comedy to someone else. Please.

  2. WOW the nigerian prince got me, I remember a few years back when there was this guy on skype that said he was a nigerian prince and wanted to give me money!!! Good one!

  3. Haha, I enjoyed this one. It was actually clever and fun to read (unlike most online “stories” posted today).

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