USAir email rewrite

Reader Dave received his monthly e-statement from USAir, which advertised the return of free drinks in coach as well as two free months of club membership when purchasing a 12 month membership. Dave decided to rewrite this email to reflect what it meant to him. Enjoy!

Dear Dave:

Congratulations, we are offering you an extra two free months on a membership to the award-winning US Airways Club, rated one of the best airline clubs in the industry by US Airways Dividend miles members (because they typically only have our offering to choose from). Our Charlotte flagship lounge is a wonderful, large and airy place where you can simply relax, get some business done, or huff down some smokes in-between your segment runs on US. Don’t worry about the smell permeating the main room from our large smoking area, most people don’t even notice it (this is North Carolina, we invented cigarettes, and you know we believe in freedom!) But no matter your choice, remember that you can probably get into our club using your United Red Rug card or a number of other ways, so membership is not always required… and in fact doesn’t even offer you much over the other ways to gain entrance. In fact, if figures tell me correctly, we don’t even offer free internet access to our members. OK, forget about that promotion, but let me tell you more about how exciting US is, especially for our frequent guests.

I notice you have zero miles toward DM Preferred Status. May I remind you that you have the ability to purchase enough elite-qualifying-miles or segments (we’re not sure which–up to you to decide) in order to earn status to any level in our esteemed status program—yes, even up to the level of Chairman Preferred Level (yup-that’s 125,000 mile level) that you can have for not much more than $4500. Yes, that’s right: you can buy what others have worked to earn, and walk right in front of them and seat yourself in our first class cabin with a sense of true pride. Most excitingly, we can guarantee that you’ll be upgraded for free on nearly any of our US Airways flights (due to your donation in-kind, of course, noted above) to our award-winning First or Envoy ™ class service, both of which have been rated shabbily-poor by most–if not all–frequent travelers (except those who only fly US, of course!!). Once you experience first, you’ll never want to go to the back of the plane again. Imagine, one of our friendly folks may come by and offer you a cocktail (—a $7 cost to the schmucks in the back of the plane—) in a plastic cup, or if you’re truly lucky we might even come and toss you a bag of sun-chips. Sure, on some other airlines you may experience items like hot nuts, cocktails in real glass, and hot hand towels; but at US, we consider these to be costly frills that we’ve decided our members really don’t want anyway). But in any case, you can imagine that our seats up front are really, really nice and comfortable (they were built and provided by Airbus, not US, but hey, who really cares??).

For added amusement we have ongoing civil war between our Southern Yankees and the dreadful new Kiddos on the Block (A.K.A. the “Sun Fried Cactus Clan”). We know that for Elite travelers (both those that buy travel and those who earn it), it is a shear joy to compare and contrast the teammates as we merge and celebrate/embrace the extreme weaknesses from both our busted corporate cultures, as well as our colorful differences, during our daily service. Frankly, we should be charging extra when the tension blows through the roof and the front-line battles break loose in front of our customers. Heck, we treat our customers to live theatre on a regular basis—for free—that might even be compared to a live Jerry Springer taping, and by far certainly equals or exceeds the excitement than any of the live shows we transport millions customers to Vegas each year to pay to see. We’re not the least bit bothered by the endless attention we attract for what some may refer to as the sub-par aspects of our front cabin product (Heck, those whiners don’t know what they’re talking about anyway… and for goodness sakes we give it away!)

US Airways and our 36,000 somewhat divided workforce look forward to being your airline of choice in 2009. Whether you prefer our old east coast operations or our newer west cost diggs, we promise to get you there with a smile, some cheer (no, silly, not the detergent) and perhaps even hauling your bags with you to you final destination—delivering them to you on-time AND on the same flight.

Doug Parker
CEO, US Airways
(previous chair, America West Airlines)

P.S. Did I remind you that we have the #1 on-time ranking of any airline at the Charlotte Douglas International/Regional Airport? We’re quite proud of this (especially since –with a few exceptions– we are the largest and most dominating carrier at this fine institution).

Filed Under: Humor, United
Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *