When you get on a plane and arrive at your seat, what approach do you typically take when it comes to small talk? Do you say nothing? Do you say hello? Do you start a conversation and ask the person next to you how they’re doing?
I’m curious how others feel about this, because I certainly have my “system,” though I realize I’m probably more introverted than most… or maybe have just been flying too long, and have had too many seat mate conversations that I wish had never happened.
In this post:
Why I try to avoid seat mate small talk on airplanes
While I’m introverted, I swear I’m not some sort of a misanthrope. Quite to the contrary, I find humans to be fascinating, and I love learning from people, talking to them, etc. The thing is, I absolutely dread small talk. If I talk to someone, I’d like for it to be meaningful, rather than just something to fill the time, which I find draining.
I also sort of live in fear of a situation where I’m stuck talking to someone I don’t want to talk to, with no easy escape. That’s one of the reasons that I generally avoid conversations with strangers on airplanes, and it’s also one of the things I don’t love about some weddings, where you don’t know who you’re going to end up sitting next to.
Once in a while, I have a conversation I really enjoy with someone I’m seated next to on a plane, and I’m grateful for those. However, for every good conversation, I must have 10 conversations where I regret admitting that I speak English.
I guess the reason I generally avoid small talk on planes comes down to three main factors, if I’m being brutally honest:
- If I’m not sleeping on a plane, I’m usually working, and I find that I’m very productive on planes, given the limited distractions
- All too often, the people who start conversations on planes are the people who you don’t actually want to talk to (especially living in Miami); I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people brag to me about how high their airline status is, and just completely make stuff up… congrats!
- I don’t actually enjoy talking about myself, or revealing what I do for a living to strangers, since it usually leads to a lot of questions, and the invariable email after the fact of them asking me for help the next time they book an airline ticket (I’m not trying to be a jerk, but I only have so many hours in the day, and I can only help people with so many flights)
Let me be clear, all of this is specific to just the random people you might sit next to on a plane. If you’re an OMAAT reader and see me at an airport or on a plane, please say hi. Like I said, I’ve also had many amazing conversations, and have even made friends on planes.
How I avoid small talk on planes as much as possible
I’m curious to hear how others approach whether or not to engage in small talk on planes.
Personally, my default when I get on a plane is that I immediately put my AirPods in, and I keep those in the entire flight. That’s not as anti-social as it may sound — the AirPods do a mild amount of noise canceling, it’s useful if I’m watching a video or something (so that the noise isn’t heard in the cabin), and yes, it does also allow me to avoid most kinds of conversations.
I usually prefer a window seat, so when I approach a seat (if someone is already in the aisle or middle seat), I’ll say something like “hi, excuse me, I have the window seat, please,” with a smile. Otherwise I’ll just sort of say “hello.”
Like I said, my intention isn’t to be rude, but instead, it’s just to signal that I’m not desperate to start a conversation. The thing is, I feel like if you ask any questions (“how’s you day going?” or “heading home?”), you’re inviting a long conversation, and some people aren’t great at taking cues.
I’ve had situations where I briefly had a friendly conversation and then put my AirPods in, only to have them then tap me on the shoulder to continue talking, or opine on what my laptop screen shows.
Bottom line
There’s no right or wrong way to approach the level of conversation to have with your seat mate on a plane. There’s a middle ground between talking endlessly and being silent. Personally, my standard approach is to keep small talk to a minimum, politely acknowledge the person seated next to me and say hello, and to keep my AirPods in for most of the flight.
However, I’d love to hear what approach others take.
What’s your approach to conversations and small talk with seat mates on airplanes? Any particularly fun — or not fun — experiences?
My wife, a real live born in Finland, early on in our relationship told me that most Finns absolutely abhor small talk with anyone they do not know. Especially to anyone they do not know. She usually smiles at them and turns away.
Ben, perhaps you should consider Finnish citizenship.
If I don't want spek to my new seatmate upon getting to my seat, I sometimes pre-empt the potential, I sometimes say to head him or she off that I just finished a meal with way too much garlic, and don't wish to pass it on.
Worst case, you can pull a secreted garlic clove in plastic bag out and chew it down.
I am usually on long flights, either Asia or Europe bound; as soon as I am on board I put my noise cancelling headphones on. That solves the problem... If I am not watching movies or listening to the music, I may read or try to catch as much sleep as I can. I don't really find people on the planes chatty. I bet a propensity to chattiness is county-specific...
It did happen once...
I am usually on long flights, either Asia or Europe bound; as soon as I am on board I put my noise cancelling headphones on. That solves the problem... If I am not watching movies or listening to the music, I may read or try to catch as much sleep as I can. I don't really find people on the planes chatty. I bet a propensity to chattiness is county-specific...
It did happen once a lady asked me very politely if I could engage in a conversation with her on an intra European hop. She was rather reluctant to fly, and needed a distraction of a conversation to overcome her fear
I get where Ben's coming from, as a fellow introvert. But as someone who's logged 800+ flights since 1988 - from 30 minute hops to 15 hour long hauls - I try to be polite and at least say "hello" to my seatmate. Very rarely have I've had extended conversations, and those ones have always been quite enjoyable. In fact, engaging with seatmates (if they initiate) can be downright rewarding, in different ways: just two...
I get where Ben's coming from, as a fellow introvert. But as someone who's logged 800+ flights since 1988 - from 30 minute hops to 15 hour long hauls - I try to be polite and at least say "hello" to my seatmate. Very rarely have I've had extended conversations, and those ones have always been quite enjoyable. In fact, engaging with seatmates (if they initiate) can be downright rewarding, in different ways: just two examples will suffice. A short 10 minute conversation with a seatmate blossomed (eventually) into a corporate real estate deal worth $$$$ in years of rental payments. A one hour chat with distinguished looking older gentleman turned into a standing invitation to dinner and drinks at Government House when he later became Governor General (the Queen's representative)..Do I go out looking for these random 'opportunities'? Absolutely not! I'm a introvert, just like Ben. But you never know where a few pleasantries or 'an understanding ear' will lead..
It’s a cultural thing. New Yorkers and Angelinos don’t small talk. Down south we know each others life stories within ten minutes.
I have got to say I completely disagree.
I am in my early mid 20s and whenever I fly I will always try strike up a conversation at some point with my seat-mate (only when flying a premium cabin really).
It may be just before landing or if the FA comes around for meal orders that is usually a good opportunity for a quick convo but I also sense if they wanna talk and a...
I have got to say I completely disagree.
I am in my early mid 20s and whenever I fly I will always try strike up a conversation at some point with my seat-mate (only when flying a premium cabin really).
It may be just before landing or if the FA comes around for meal orders that is usually a good opportunity for a quick convo but I also sense if they wanna talk and a lot of the time I have work to do anyway.
But I have met some fascinating people on planes that have led to trips and invites and contacts for work etc.
this is dumb.
don't want to talk? say so! "sorry, can't chat; it's time to floss my cat."
how can an adult be so dysfunctional?
Over the years I’ve done a lot of contract work on private train cars as Steward and Chef. (Still do sometimes, but Amtrak’s increased tariffs have driven most of the business away)
I was on a Southwest flight once OAK-LAX to work a trip back to Oakland the next day. One of the last folks to board took the middle seat in my row; I had the aisle. Other than him asking me to take...
Over the years I’ve done a lot of contract work on private train cars as Steward and Chef. (Still do sometimes, but Amtrak’s increased tariffs have driven most of the business away)
I was on a Southwest flight once OAK-LAX to work a trip back to Oakland the next day. One of the last folks to board took the middle seat in my row; I had the aisle. Other than him asking me to take the seat we didn’t say anything else until waiting to disembark. He asked what I was doing in LA and when I said why, he said “oh, I’ll be your chef!” Indeed a small world sometimes.
Just a hello and a farewell for me. I’d otherwise be afraid that I’d find myself sitting next to one of your most deplorable followers. They know who they are.
I think I’ve had exactly one conversation on a plane. And it was on my last one, on BA. I think it started when the flight attendant gave me a glass of wine in a cracked glass and he noticed it. We were seated in WTP in the bulkhead seat, I was flying London to Boston…he was in the air with multiple connections…something like 15 or 20 hours in the air. As a rule I read, seldom watch any tv, just keep to myself.
I don't mind small talk in the last hour of the flight or during disembarkation. If you don't get along with your neighbour, it's only for a little while.
I make eye contact and a QUICK nod/smile and settle in. I have had some very pleasant conversations with truly interesting people, and enjoyed my own space and quiet on other flights. In my many years of flight I can honestly say that I have never had an uncomfortable or annoying seat mate. Maybe I'm lucky....Oh Wait ! You Are !
If the person next to you was more important than you, you’d be hoping they would talk to you…
Dear god. "More important", how mind numbingly shallow
what the hell does "more important than you" even mean?!?
this is dumb.
Worst to talk to are people that fly for work. Often lonely and boring.
60+ and *still* flying for work? Thats beyond sad.
I love it when someone starts bragging to me about this status and that status and what not and I said oh Lord, I'm so happy I don't have that status... so glad I'm beyond having to travel that much.
Exactly, Ned Jr.! I love explaining that my status is no status. NO hamstering.
Once, I ended up (unknowingly) sitting next to a VP for Atlas Air. I started talking with him, had an amazing conversation, and he knew about my vast knowledge about airplanes before I knew his title (just happened to come up in our conversation). He gave me his contact information and offered to set up some simulator time for me at their training center the next time I was in South FL (which I took him up on!).
This is kinda sad to us old dudes who survived long delays and long flights by meeting interesting people and having interesting and meaningful conversations.
I guess that's another thing the cell phone generations will never experience.
I miss it though. I still have some good conversations and I have met some of the most interesting people and I have learned a lot. I think more and more people have lost that natural curiosity about others. It's a pity.
That’s because you are likely on the spectrum & socially uncomfortable in public.
Trust me, pax who make small talk won’t engage with you. We know.
Those who don’t know are prolly socially awkward too.
Make a Jack-Hammer sound whilst they talk on their mobile phone . All in fun .
When I have a chatty neighbor -- my favorite is, what do you do for work? -- I just make something up. I have three or four fake careers that I've perfected small talk about.
Architect or marine biologist?
The sea was angry that day my friends.
“0n probation….” usually stops any more questions.
Remember, its not a lie if you believe it.
IRS agent, life insurance sales, and Amway sales rep.
It’s kind of sad how unique the gift, anxiety, anticipation, thrill, and blessing of flight is so taken for granted now; and how far apart we all are on board the airplane in regards to the glory of the aviation adventure.
Hint of where I stand.
time to get a privacy screen for your laptop!
really. all my computers have these ... they don't cost much and they eliminate this sort of nonsense.
I agree with you and don't like small talk on planes. I think it's a very German sensibility that there must be purpose to the conversation. :)
tja
I try to exchange pleasantries to set the level of necessary cooperation one must have to share access to the aisle on a flight. Whether it continues into a moment of conversation or that is all depends on the person and the mood.
I've taken enough long distance Amtrak in bedrooms to have to deal with the forced communal dining. There's very little way out of that. If you can't take a little small...
I try to exchange pleasantries to set the level of necessary cooperation one must have to share access to the aisle on a flight. Whether it continues into a moment of conversation or that is all depends on the person and the mood.
I've taken enough long distance Amtrak in bedrooms to have to deal with the forced communal dining. There's very little way out of that. If you can't take a little small talk on a plane, you'll probably hope to choke on your food in that situation.
I have made a conscious decision to not work on flights. I've reached an organizational level where I can do that - I guess as more people are working for me than me working for others (wasn't always the case). I've also sat on a plane and looked between the seats in front of me and seen an airline network planning presentation (I was flying on a competitor, in my airline days) which caused me to call our head of network planning and scoop that airline's new route announcement for the next day.
I'm usually watching something on my iPad or reading a book during the flight. I will chat if someone is agreeable and not a lunatic.
I had a fantastic conversation with someone most of the way from Ogden to SNA on Breeze a few months ago (a retiree who lived in both places). Conversely I had someone on a United flight in row 1 who made me regret even saying hello as I learned about how the clouds were giving her religious signs and that the flight attendant taking her wine glass during descent was tantamount to "just following orders" in 1940s Germany and how anyone who follows must have blindly worn masks during Covid (I'm glad I hit record on my phone at that point because I got the whole spiel she yelled at the F/A in his jumpseat about how she was going to kick his ass on there).
While I rarely start any small talk, I think the Amtrak long distance sleeper is one where I find it can be interesting to talk to people. Unlike in coach on the same train or any plane, you all went out of your way to book the sleeper, both in cost and time. I've had great conversations. Also knowing that after the meal, it's over, and I can go back to the sleeper and will probably not need to talk to them again.
Absolutely. Everybody on the long distance trains has a story. Definitely part of the experience.
(I'm a C-MAC guy, rather than Glidescope, myself.)
As a former Amtrak dining car steward, I found that the majority of people who were initially resistant to community seating were the people I had to ask to move their conversation to the lounge car at closing time. Something about the train tends to open people up.
Maybe I'm just a natural, but for some reason small talk on planes almost doesn't happen to me at all. And for all the reasons lucky explains that's a good thing, as I'm a usually working or sleeping on planes kind of person as well. The only somewhat common exception is during IROPS when I tend to help others and that sometimes turns into small talk, which I generally don't mind.
The real question: How often do you get recognized on flights, Ben?
Air time for me is to disconnect from the world that demands more and more. I find that having headphones in or even reading a book politely discourages long conversations. I think many people up front feel the same way. Usually flying often and enjoying the time away from the human race.
If you were a marathon racer you wouldn't enjoy time away from the race , no ?
Agreed. The amount of space taken up online discussing wifi on flights amazes me. Do we have to be available and connected every single second of every single day?
Look out the window, close your eyes and meditate, enjoy the nothingness for a few hours.
"I’ve had situations where I briefly had a friendly conversation and then put my AirPods in, only to have them then tap me on the shoulder to continue talking, or opine on what my laptop screen shows."
Truly the nightmare scenario. I had this happen once with an older evangelist in first class (long story about why he was in first but he was...). two flight hours of me trying to be polite, have a...
"I’ve had situations where I briefly had a friendly conversation and then put my AirPods in, only to have them then tap me on the shoulder to continue talking, or opine on what my laptop screen shows."
Truly the nightmare scenario. I had this happen once with an older evangelist in first class (long story about why he was in first but he was...). two flight hours of me trying to be polite, have a glass of wine, and put my AirPods in after initial polite conversation he initiated on the ground -- he was doing the typical evangelist cliche thing of trying to learn all about my life and career to get an in for his purpose of conversation -- asking very personal questions. It was a nightmare. he also made sure I knew he didn't agree with ordering wine.
(for anyone strongly religious -- this is nothing about his religion but about personal space, boundaries, and the situational awareness to know when someone doesn't want to talk the entire flight)
So , why didn't you simply tell him you didn't wish to talk with him ?
I did. Many times. It was either ignored as he kept talking or the calm lasted about 30 seconds.
I wasn't going to be rude to him so I wasn't but no amount of directness helped. There are some just like that...
In that situation, I would just decline to engage with a polite "no, thank you", like I declining a beverage refill or something. Then the headphones would just stay on. It isn't rude to choose to not continue engaging after clearly and politely declining conversation. The person that ignores someone else’s consent is the rude one. No means no.
it depends on how hot the person is. If they are, I say hello with a smile and ask them if they live in the city we are flying to as a way to break the ice.
If they are not, I use the tried but true headphone method and put in my ear buds and look out the window.
"Small talk" about old cartoons is good for a laugh . Especially good is complementing women .
A polite nod, a neutral-toned "good morning/afternoon", and then I mind my own business. Never been a problem.
Yet , you have a mysterious charcoal smudge on your forehead . Ha-ha .
Usually the greeting gets an idea of what kind of person you're sitting next to depending on if they're indifferent, greet you back, ignore you, start up their own conversation, etc.. although most of my flights no matter what the initial response was, we'd just mind each other's business and not say a word unless the window/middle person needed to get out.
If you have your own suite, point is moot?
I've heard this discussion on the radio and one coughs on their arm to make it seem they are not well to avoid a conversation.
*suite with a door!
I usually engage in some small talk, unless the signals are clear that the other person is not interested (e.g., doing some work, watching a movie etc.). Especially during meals, my upbringing almost requires some conversation, but of course I still respect if the other person watches a movie during the meal (which I would never do, for me it's already gross not to take off headphones when talking to the flight attendant). Over the...
I usually engage in some small talk, unless the signals are clear that the other person is not interested (e.g., doing some work, watching a movie etc.). Especially during meals, my upbringing almost requires some conversation, but of course I still respect if the other person watches a movie during the meal (which I would never do, for me it's already gross not to take off headphones when talking to the flight attendant). Over the years I had many nice conversations and sometimes (rarely) we even stayed in touch.
"Especially during meals, my upbringing almost requires some conversation,"
on a plane?!
“Hell is other people”.
I go for the minimum amount of interaction possible.