When you get on a plane and arrive at your seat, what approach do you typically take when it comes to small talk? Do you say nothing? Do you say hello? Do you start a conversation and ask the person next to you how they’re doing?
I’m curious how others feel about this, because I certainly have my “system,” though I realize I’m probably more introverted than most… or maybe have just been flying too long, and have had too many seat mate conversations that I wish had never happened.
In this post:
Why I try to avoid seat mate small talk on airplanes
While I’m introverted, I swear I’m not some sort of a misanthrope. Quite to the contrary, I find humans to be fascinating, and I love learning from people, talking to them, etc. The thing is, I absolutely dread small talk. If I talk to someone, I’d like for it to be meaningful, rather than just something to fill the time, which I find draining.
I also sort of live in fear of a situation where I’m stuck talking to someone I don’t want to talk to, with no easy escape. That’s one of the reasons that I generally avoid conversations with strangers on airplanes, and it’s also one of the things I don’t love about some weddings, where you don’t know who you’re going to end up sitting next to.
Once in a while, I have a conversation I really enjoy with someone I’m seated next to on a plane, and I’m grateful for those. However, for every good conversation, I must have 10 conversations where I regret admitting that I speak English.
I guess the reason I generally avoid small talk on planes comes down to three main factors, if I’m being brutally honest:
- If I’m not sleeping on a plane, I’m usually working, and I find that I’m very productive on planes, given the limited distractions
- All too often, the people who start conversations on planes are the people who you don’t actually want to talk to (especially living in Miami); I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people brag to me about how high their airline status is, and just completely make stuff up… congrats!
- I don’t actually enjoy talking about myself, or revealing what I do for a living to strangers, since it usually leads to a lot of questions, and the invariable email after the fact of them asking me for help the next time they book an airline ticket (I’m not trying to be a jerk, but I only have so many hours in the day, and I can only help people with so many flights)
Let me be clear, all of this is specific to just the random people you might sit next to on a plane. If you’re an OMAAT reader and see me at an airport or on a plane, please say hi. Like I said, I’ve also had many amazing conversations, and have even made friends on planes.
How I avoid small talk on planes as much as possible
I’m curious to hear how others approach whether or not to engage in small talk on planes.
Personally, my default when I get on a plane is that I immediately put my AirPods in, and I keep those in the entire flight. That’s not as anti-social as it may sound — the AirPods do a mild amount of noise canceling, it’s useful if I’m watching a video or something (so that the noise isn’t heard in the cabin), and yes, it does also allow me to avoid most kinds of conversations.
I usually prefer a window seat, so when I approach a seat (if someone is already in the aisle or middle seat), I’ll say something like “hi, excuse me, I have the window seat, please,” with a smile. Otherwise I’ll just sort of say “hello.”
Like I said, my intention isn’t to be rude, but instead, it’s just to signal that I’m not desperate to start a conversation. The thing is, I feel like if you ask any questions (“how’s you day going?” or “heading home?”), you’re inviting a long conversation, and some people aren’t great at taking cues.
I’ve had situations where I briefly had a friendly conversation and then put my AirPods in, only to have them then tap me on the shoulder to continue talking, or opine on what my laptop screen shows.
Bottom line
There’s no right or wrong way to approach the level of conversation to have with your seat mate on a plane. There’s a middle ground between talking endlessly and being silent. Personally, my standard approach is to keep small talk to a minimum, politely acknowledge the person seated next to me and say hello, and to keep my AirPods in for most of the flight.
However, I’d love to hear what approach others take.
What’s your approach to conversations and small talk with seat mates on airplanes? Any particularly fun — or not fun — experiences?
Maybe I'm just a natural, but for some reason small talk on planes almost doesn't happen to me at all. And for all the reasons lucky explains that's a good thing, as I'm a usually working or sleeping on planes kind of person as well. The only somewhat common exception is during IROPS when I tend to help others and that sometimes turns into small talk, which I generally don't mind.
The real question: How often do you get recognized on flights, Ben?
Air time for me is to disconnect from the world that demands more and more. I find that having headphones in or even reading a book politely discourages long conversations. I think many people up front feel the same way. Usually flying often and enjoying the time away from the human race.
If you were a marathon racer you wouldn't enjoy time away from the race , no ?
"I’ve had situations where I briefly had a friendly conversation and then put my AirPods in, only to have them then tap me on the shoulder to continue talking, or opine on what my laptop screen shows."
Truly the nightmare scenario. I had this happen once with an older evangelist in first class (long story about why he was in first but he was...). two flight hours of me trying to be polite, have a...
"I’ve had situations where I briefly had a friendly conversation and then put my AirPods in, only to have them then tap me on the shoulder to continue talking, or opine on what my laptop screen shows."
Truly the nightmare scenario. I had this happen once with an older evangelist in first class (long story about why he was in first but he was...). two flight hours of me trying to be polite, have a glass of wine, and put my AirPods in after initial polite conversation he initiated on the ground -- he was doing the typical evangelist cliche thing of trying to learn all about my life and career to get an in for his purpose of conversation -- asking very personal questions. It was a nightmare. he also made sure I knew he didn't agree with ordering wine.
(for anyone strongly religious -- this is nothing about his religion but about personal space, boundaries, and the situational awareness to know when someone doesn't want to talk the entire flight)
So , why didn't you simply tell him you didn't wish to talk with him ?
I did. Many times. It was either ignored as he kept talking or the calm lasted about 30 seconds.
I wasn't going to be rude to him so I wasn't but no amount of directness helped. There are some just like that...
it depends on how hot the person is. If they are, I say hello with a smile and ask them if they live in the city we are flying to as a way to break the ice.
If they are not, I use the tried but true headphone method and put in my ear buds and look out the window.
"Small talk" about old cartoons is good for a laugh . Especially good is complementing women .
A polite nod, a neutral-toned "good morning/afternoon", and then I mind my own business. Never been a problem.
Yet , you have a mysterious charcoal smudge on your forehead . Ha-ha .
If you have your own suite, point is moot?
I've heard this discussion on the radio and one coughs on their arm to make it seem they are not well to avoid a conversation.
*suite with a door!
I usually engage in some small talk, unless the signals are clear that the other person is not interested (e.g., doing some work, watching a movie etc.). Especially during meals, my upbringing almost requires some conversation, but of course I still respect if the other person watches a movie during the meal (which I would never do, for me it's already gross not to take off headphones when talking to the flight attendant). Over the...
I usually engage in some small talk, unless the signals are clear that the other person is not interested (e.g., doing some work, watching a movie etc.). Especially during meals, my upbringing almost requires some conversation, but of course I still respect if the other person watches a movie during the meal (which I would never do, for me it's already gross not to take off headphones when talking to the flight attendant). Over the years I had many nice conversations and sometimes (rarely) we even stayed in touch.
"Especially during meals, my upbringing almost requires some conversation,"
on a plane?!
“Hell is other people”.
I go for the minimum amount of interaction possible.