10 days ago, my mom passed away after a very long battle with ovarian cancer. I published a post the same day — “My Mom’s Suffering Is Over: Reflecting On The Best Of Times, Worst Of Times” — which I actually started writing while sitting next to her in her hospice bed, as she was having her last deep sleep, prior to finally passing and being out of pain (for me, writing in these kinds of situations can be really cathartic… I didn’t know what else to do with myself, after holding her hand for hours).
While this post will hopefully not be as emotional as the last one (though my eyes are already a little wet, ugh), I did want to take a moment to reflect on the past 10 days, which frankly just feel like a complete blur. Most importantly, I want to thank you all, and I’m not sure words can do justice to how grateful I am.
In this post:
I can not thank you all enough for your kindness
I’m honestly speechless at the incredible amount of support I received after I published my post. Seriously, there’s no way I can describe how much the kindness and compassion shown over the past 10 days have helped me.
The wild thing about losing someone like your mother is that it’s supposed to happen in that way (in the sense that it’s better for a son to lose a mother, than for a mother to lose a son, as my mom had to deal with around three decades ago), but that doesn’t make it any easier.
When I lost my mom, I felt like a part of me was ripped away, that can simply never be replaced. And I still feel that. But it gave me such comfort to hear people share their stories, give their tips on how they dealt with loss, and just say that eventually it gets better. It’s not that it makes me feel better to know that others have suffered (or are suffering) as well, but it feels better to know you’re not alone, and that we all have to find a way to get through this.
The kindness I was shown (between the comments section on the post, emails, messages, carrier pigeons, etc.) made me collectively cry for hours. But it was good and helpful crying, and it really make me feel like I was not alone, and like I’ll get through it. So thank you.
I actually started making a list of some of the most insightful things people shared, and maybe I can publish all of those at some point in the future, to help others who are going through a similar situation. Like this one:
I wish I could tell you it gets easier – but it’s really that it just gets easier to deal with… I do promise that. I also promise you she’ll send you signs from the universe that she is still with you and your family – just keep your eyes and heart open… you’ll see them, no doubt.
Or this one:
From the words of someone who has gone through tragedy, “There will come a day, I promise you, when the thought of your mom, brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. It will happen. My prayer for you is that day will come sooner than later.”
That’s not even the tip of the iceberg, but let me just say it again — thank you, thank you, thank you. The comments helped me cry my eyes out, and then feel at peace. And there are messages I’ll go back to again and again over time, since I know that healing doesn’t happen overnight.
The past 10 days have been a whirlwind of emotions
The past 10 days have simply been unlike any other period in my life. In the first two days, I don’t think there was a waking hour that went by where I didn’t cry.
After my mom passed, those of us who were there with her went to her home (in St. Petersburg), and it was just impossible. I couldn’t stay there, because of course everything reminded me of her, and I felt like I couldn’t breath. So with the ability to handle everything remotely, I went back to my home in Miami, to be with Ford and our young kids, since they provide a great distraction and happiness.
But that wasn’t necessarily easier. When she was still alive, I’d send my mom pictures of our kids multiple times every single day. It brought her so much joy to see them. So after being reunited with our kids after they woke up and giving them an extra tight hug, I went to take a picture of them to send to me mom, only to realize… that’s not a thing I can do anymore.
Then we had breakfast. Our older son, Miles, likes a certain type of yogurt, which was always my mom’s favorite. It’s how he got into it. So every morning he tells me “papa, I’d like baba yogurt” (“baba” is what he called her). The way he refers to it now takes on even more meaning than it did before.
Then that night, I did the typical nighttime routine with Miles, which involves him picking out the books he wants to read from his bookshelf, and then we read them together. Usually he picks out something lighthearted, along the lines of “Brown Bear,” but that night he picked out a book I had never read to him before.
It was called “Love You Forever” (actually a book from when Ford was a toddler), and it’s basically about how life progresses. It’s about how the mother cares for her son, and then eventually the son cares for his mother. Of all nights, this is the one where he picked this book to read? Reading that without crying was not easy, I’ll tell you, but it almost felt like a sign from the universe.
In many ways, beyond the first 48 hours, it actually got a little “easier” emotionally. I was able to stay distracted making arrangements for my mom’s memorial, taking care of all the paperwork, etc. After all, there’s a lot to do.
I actually felt pretty calm by late last week, but then we had my mom’s memorial on Saturday, and all the feelings came rushing back right away. Being back home now, I feel a sense of peace and closure, sort of. That’s not to say the sadness is gone, but I am increasingly coming to terms with my new normal.
I know this might sound silly, but I’m so grateful for the fact that my “job” is really doing what I love to do all day. The airline, hotel, and travel industry is my biggest passion, and in all honesty, it’s also such an amazing distraction.
It allows me to do something I enjoy during a really difficult time. It’s one of the reasons there hasn’t been that much of a drop in terms of the amount of content over the past 10 days (aside from Saturday, which was spent entirely with family for my mom’s memorial), despite everything else going on.
There aren’t many people who can make a living doing what they love, so I’m very grateful for that, and never take it for granted. And of course I thank you all for that.
With time, I trust happy memories will replace sadness
Day by day, I’m coming more to terms with this being the new normal for me. I know how much my mom was suffering when she was still with us, and I know how she had accepted it was her time to move on, and be reunited with her son who passed 30+ years ago, and many other people who were dear to her.
I had to let go of the selfishness of still wanting her around, and instead be grateful for the fact that she got to meet both of our sons, when she didn’t think she’d meet either of them. That’s on top of being grateful for being blessed with such an unconditionally loving mother. Of course I feel like a big chunk of me is missing, but I also accept that this is how the cycle of life works, even if I think she was taken too young.
The best thing I can do is try to live a happy life, remember what an amazing woman she was, and be as good of a father as I can be (since I know being a good parent matters to her more than anything). At least that’s the goal…
Bottom line
The past 10 days have without a doubt been the most challenging on my life. As much as I thought I was prepared for my mom’s passing, when it actually happens, it hits you in a way you can’t anticipate. The sense of loss is immeasurable, and the wave of emotions are all over the place.
My biggest takeaways from the past 10 days are twofold. First of all, I’m so grateful to everyone for how kind they’ve been, and how much peace and comfort that has brought to the grieving process, learning from others who have experienced similar things. Second of all, I’m starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel where eventually the happiness of the memories of my mom will overshadow the sadness of the loss. It might not happen today or tomorrow, but I know with time, all things heal.
So my heartfelt thank you, once again, and please take care of your loved ones, tell them how much you love them, and plan that special trip with them.
I cannot read that book without tears
I’m glad you’ve gotten a lot of support during what must have been a trying time. My sympathies on your loss.
I know I'll never be prepared for the day my mom passes as well but from the sounds of it, you're healing mighty fine. Don't forget to hug Winston too!
Hey Ben, I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to have an insight into your life. Many travel websites feel very one-sided and to have the privilege to be a part of your life and hear your experiences of grieving create a certain closeness. As said and tragic as your mom’s death is. I hope you can get some solace from the community that you've created here. I pray that God should give you peace during this complicated time.
Ben, I've been following you since the beginning, your trip to Big Sur, etc. Sorry for your loss and hope you're doing as well as can be.
Ben, I've enjoyed reading your blog for at least a decade now. I'm very sorry for your loss, and it is my hope that you find peace in the wonderful memories you have of your mother.
Know that book well as I read it to my kids all the time. It is absolutely a tear jerker.
How is your dad doing Ben? Hope he is holding up as well as he possibly can.
Ben, you are a good man. Stay strong and best wishes to you and your family
To quote a certain popular American novelist:
“Death is where the pain stops and the good memories begin. Not the end of life but the end of pain.”
Isn't it great reading well-written content by a mentally healthy adult? Think of all the sources of travel content we consume. Now, think of the personalities behind each. Now, imagine you have an emergency and you need someone to take care of your wallet. And your child.
Lucky was well brought up.
Miles picking that book was no coincidence. Often the universe has a way of giving you whatever you need in times of great need. <3 Thanks again for letting us be a part of your lives.
Bob Munsch, great Canadian author. That book is something every Canadian parent reads to their kid ha. All the best!
take care always
Ben, I cannot imagine what it is like to walk your path as I lost my mom much later in life and we have no kids. However, at some point I think there will be a time when the pain recedes sufficiently for you to channel your grief in way that honors your mom’s life but also brings joy to your family in celebrating her legacy and its impact on your life and that of...
Ben, I cannot imagine what it is like to walk your path as I lost my mom much later in life and we have no kids. However, at some point I think there will be a time when the pain recedes sufficiently for you to channel your grief in way that honors your mom’s life but also brings joy to your family in celebrating her legacy and its impact on your life and that of your family. However, the timeline for this occurring is very personal. But perhaps you can take comfort in knowing that, eventually, the tears will be overtaken by smiles.
So strange you mention that book. A book that me and my 3 year old read at a library sifting through a few books. I had a tear in my eye and the thought of it now brings them too. It's so strong. "I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always...". Incredible book. Your mother was loved beyond words, she knew that then and still does.
I still love your blog Lucky. As a millennial I have aged along side you from our almost constant travelling in our 20s when single to now in our 30s with family responsibilities. That is why your newer content related to family travel is actually more relevant to me.
“There will be no one like us when we are gone, but then there is no one like anyone else, ever. When people die, they cannot be replaced. They leave holes that cannot be filled, for it is the fate—the genetic and neural fate—of every human being to be a unique individual, to find his own path, to live his own life, to die his own death.” - Oliver Sacks.
Someone's cutting onions around here :'( ...
But more seriously, thank you Ben for sharing such an optimistic view of your ordeal. And reminding us to go hug our close ones who are still there. This is beautifully written. I'm sending you a virtual hug from across the Atlantic and reflecting on what your mom has taught us even though we never met her.
Thank you Ben, for taking such good care of your mother.
Ben, I am truly sorry for you and your family for this tragic loss. Have consolation in the fact that she was able to see her son grow and become successful along with 2 wonderful grandchildren and a loving husband.
Thanks for all you have written and the tips you’ve shared. We are all here to support you!
Wishing you all the best, Ben. Thank you for the wonderful (free) advice you have tirelessly given to this community.
What a thoughtful update Ben, thank you for sharing. It's like the comment you highlighted in your post, it doesn't get easier but it does get easier to deal with. While a long journey I'm glad it seems that each day that passes for you is a day closer to that new norm of the memory of your mother bringing 'a smile to your lip before a tear to your eye'. Sending my thoughts as you carry on this journey.
I’m glad you had such a close, loving relationship. That’s something that can never change.
Dear Ben. You are being the strongest person during this trying time by allowing yourself to experience grief fully, and not running away from it. That is, in fact, a huge honour to your mother. Trust that in time you will be at a place where you can sit comfortably with your grief, and her memories will bring you joy. The grief will not disappear. You will always carry it with you, but it will...
Dear Ben. You are being the strongest person during this trying time by allowing yourself to experience grief fully, and not running away from it. That is, in fact, a huge honour to your mother. Trust that in time you will be at a place where you can sit comfortably with your grief, and her memories will bring you joy. The grief will not disappear. You will always carry it with you, but it will be a strong and silent companion to you. I wish you and your family well. And thank you for sharing.
I am so very sorry for your loss. My partner lost his mom and dad last year and I can tell you that over time (from what I have observed) it seems, as you mentioned, to become easier to deal with. As his partner, I see (and feel) his pain and sadness but I also see glimmers of happiness in his eyes when he thinks of his mom and remembers her love and warmth (it’s the same with his dad). Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time ❤️.
Thanks, Ben for writing this. My Mom passed away 6 years ago today. I miss her terribly. It does get easier, as her memory becomes more distant, but that provides little solace. And, yes, she was/is a Saint.
Stratospheric traces of our transitory flight
Trails of condensation held in narrow bands of white...
Horizon to horizon, memory written on the wind...
In a vapor trail
Atmospheric phases make the transitory last
Vaporize the memories that freeze the fading past...
-- Neil Peart, "Vapor Trail" (2002, after his daughter and then his wife died within a year of each other)
You are an incredible man, Ben.
You continue to amaze me how you continue to deliver great content - often w/ a side of zing :-) in the midst of all kinds of challenges, not the least of which is traveling but more often just living life which has its challenges but certainly its joys.
Thank you for sharing life with us, Ben. It is an honor to be invited into your life.
May your...
You are an incredible man, Ben.
You continue to amaze me how you continue to deliver great content - often w/ a side of zing :-) in the midst of all kinds of challenges, not the least of which is traveling but more often just living life which has its challenges but certainly its joys.
Thank you for sharing life with us, Ben. It is an honor to be invited into your life.
May your Mother bring you peace and great memories.
and, yes, I read that book to my then young son who is now a very successful adult and equally as addicted to aviation - just in different forms.
Peace to you, my brother.
May her memory always bring a blessing! Think about porting her phone number to a Google voice or some other free service and still send pictures of the kids to the number.
It’ll give you a sense of comfort and a place to see how the kids have grown over time!
Your two posts have been very heartfelt and beautiful. I’m sure your mom was very very proud of you! All you’ve accomplished and that you and Ford had your two little guys to share with her. She will always be with you and cheering you on. As others have said, little signs will seem to pop up when you need them most. Time doesn’t heal all but it does dull the pain a bit. I...
Your two posts have been very heartfelt and beautiful. I’m sure your mom was very very proud of you! All you’ve accomplished and that you and Ford had your two little guys to share with her. She will always be with you and cheering you on. As others have said, little signs will seem to pop up when you need them most. Time doesn’t heal all but it does dull the pain a bit. I will be here following you and cheering you on as I know your mom would like. Sending you lots of hugs and peace.
I lost my mother back in early 2020, fortunately, a month or so before the first COVID lockdown in Australia. I dashed halfway across the country to be with her for those final days. We managed her funeral and started the process of clearing the family home before borders were closed. My mother always did have impeccable timing. I can't imagine how I would have coped if her death had been during lockdown, and no...
I lost my mother back in early 2020, fortunately, a month or so before the first COVID lockdown in Australia. I dashed halfway across the country to be with her for those final days. We managed her funeral and started the process of clearing the family home before borders were closed. My mother always did have impeccable timing. I can't imagine how I would have coped if her death had been during lockdown, and no visits or in-person funerals were allowed.
I wrote her Eulogy. It was a cathartic experience, mainly performed through tears. I wrote about the good stuff and the bad stuff, her struggles and her triumphs. My brother, who is the family historian, along with my sister and some close cousins, read my drafts and gave feedback. It needed a good edit for clarity and length. I took out some of the less positive stories and turned them into short comments. My mother was worthy of a halo, but not quite a saint.
The product was purposeful, but the process, upon reflection, was the main game. It made me think deeply about my mother and what she was to me and others in the family. It brought with it perspective and overwhelming love.
It's been five years now, and not a day goes by without me thinking of my mother. Her picture comes up on my phone, or my screensaver, or I glance at one of the framed images I have of her on my desk. Loss is not the first thing that comes to mind now. What I remember is what she gave to me and others — her contribution to me, my family, and the world.
Ben, I have some insight as to what you are going through. True, I had longer with mine than you have had with yours. My mother died in her 90s after a slow but short decline into dementia, so in some sense, parts of her had already left.
From my experience, the sharp sense of loss will fade, taken over by the memories of what she gave to you and those dear to you. Do I wish I could still talk to my mum, have her advice, or enjoy her sharp insight? Of course. But, I also trust that some of those traits already exist in me due to her genes and good counsel. In that sense, she is always with me, and yours is with you.
My deepest condolences.
Well expressed!
So sorry for your loss, may she rests in peace.
Someone once shared with me that, you don't get over it, you get on with it. I have found that to be so very true after having lost both of my parents at different times in my life. In time, you will learn that while your mother is gone, she is still very near. Time also teaches one to be so very thankful for what one had, for if one had nothing, then there would...
Someone once shared with me that, you don't get over it, you get on with it. I have found that to be so very true after having lost both of my parents at different times in my life. In time, you will learn that while your mother is gone, she is still very near. Time also teaches one to be so very thankful for what one had, for if one had nothing, then there would be nothing to miss. So many are not so fortunate to have a mother as you did. Cherish that and the amazing loving memories you hold tight. Hugs!
That book was one of my girls favorites and I cannot read it without getting choked up. I lost my mother this past July and trust me that it does get easier.....and there will still be some days that are harder - but then there will be days when your thoughts of her will only be the great memories that you shared throughout the years. You are blessed that she got to know your partner...
That book was one of my girls favorites and I cannot read it without getting choked up. I lost my mother this past July and trust me that it does get easier.....and there will still be some days that are harder - but then there will be days when your thoughts of her will only be the great memories that you shared throughout the years. You are blessed that she got to know your partner and welcome your son! Hang in there and hopefully you find total peace one day soon! I know that you will though....
Thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot to be able to write and share this kind of insight.
My mom read that book to me when I was a kid too. As I got older, she would make jokes about driving across town with her ladder and climbing up to check on me. (It’s in the book, for those who haven’t read it). I still even have a signed copy of the book from the author, so it’s pretty special between my mom and me. Even though I didn’t know your mom and have never met you, I can only imagine how much she meant to you. My deepest condolences to you and your family.
"You'll always be my mommy."
A most beautiful sentiment.
Dear Ben, thank you for sharing. You are an amazing guy and you will learn that you are a strong man. Having lost both parents years ago and my husband of 33 years who passed 6 years ago, grief changes a lot over time. It’s ok to cry and grieve. I do promise you that it becomes bearable.
Bless you and your family
We used to read both of our kids that book when they were younger and I teared up every time. My mom passed away when I was 8 from cancer, and I don't have any memories of her reading to me, so when I read it, I teared up.
I didn't see your original post until now (I was away for a few days and missed it), but now that I'm an orphan (lost my...
We used to read both of our kids that book when they were younger and I teared up every time. My mom passed away when I was 8 from cancer, and I don't have any memories of her reading to me, so when I read it, I teared up.
I didn't see your original post until now (I was away for a few days and missed it), but now that I'm an orphan (lost my father 3 years ago), I can only tell you that what you feel and when you feel it will be personal to you. I cried twice after he passed, but he comes up in conversation, whether it be a story or words of wisdom, or something that happens that reminds me to mention him. I moved to the "smile at the mention of his name" phase fairly quickly, but that doesn't mean I miss him any less. I miss both my parents all the time, and as someone said similarly, after 40+ years, my mom's loss isn't easy to reconcile, but it is EASIER. That's how life works for me. It's not about the loss being easy, but about the human psyche allowing for healing over time.
Thank you for this. My mom died four months ago and it’s actually getting harder so these words help.
I’m sorry for your loss. I was delirious ten days after mom passed. Holidays are tough. Go fly. Get maverick up to the flight deck and back up in the air right away.
I think all too often, we forget that there is a person behind what we read or the screen we scroll. My heartfelt condolences to the person, son and family. I read your tips and columns, but often don’t think about you, just the info you share. Today returning from RSW to CLT, I thought about you and cried. Take care and lots of love to you and your family!
Take care Ben! May the memories you shared with your mom bring you strength and peace in the days ahead.
May her memory be a blessing
Another very raw and touching post. Thinking of you and your family, and your last paragraph is one I'll act on
Sympathies
Nothing wrenched the tears out of my eyes more than that picture of the grown man (in the book) rocking his aged mother in his lap. Throughout this time, I’ve been stoic, but that picture finally allowed me to let go with a cathartic release of tears. Your mother was, and remains, an inspiration to so many of us — your faithful readers — and this is an incredibly moving catharsis.
Ben,
Ok, maybe I’m a little bit odd. At my age I’m entitled to being odd every now and then. Miles did not choose that book on his own. Your mom had Miles choose it. I don’t know how, it’s one of those things that cannot be explained. But your mom is with you, and always will be until you meet her again. Cherish her memory.
I guess I'm odd too. It's the same experience with my mom. I don't know how or why I just know it was my mom tapping me on the shoulder kind of situation.
Love You Forever is a real tear jerker! Can be tough to get through reading that book to the kids sometimes. The circle of life is undoubtedly real - sometimes a source of pain but often a source of comfort. Hang in there.
This post and the previous one on losing your Mom, the best two you have ever made. Your last para in this post, well written and so true.
Just another sincere hug from Cologne ❤️
Hang in there. As I told other friends who have shared tragedies. Is not about what others times to heal are. It is about what is right for you. You will start eventually seeing that at your own pace. Also, it is ok to grief. Cry. Let go. But don’t let that sadness overpower you. Like others said happy memories will eventually will fill you up. Also as I think I said before even four...
Hang in there. As I told other friends who have shared tragedies. Is not about what others times to heal are. It is about what is right for you. You will start eventually seeing that at your own pace. Also, it is ok to grief. Cry. Let go. But don’t let that sadness overpower you. Like others said happy memories will eventually will fill you up. Also as I think I said before even four years after my dad’s death I will have this dreams. That are so real to only your mind tell you they can not be and wake up crying a bit. And that is also ok. It’s a quick moment. Also looks like you had a great mom and supportive. So there will be tons to cherish about her.
Jfc, I saw that article thumbnail picture and thought something had happened to the kiddo.
Glad to see you're in a better headspace now :)
Your in my thoughts Ben & family, take care of yourself.
Having lost a parent years ago, I can say that while I can definitely think about my Dad and the good times, the grief can occasionally return in unexpected ways. Little reminders or feelings that I'm not prepared for. Hoping the happy memories you have outweigh the sadness, but ultimately you have to give yourself space to feel. This was a very important person in your life who you loved dearly. You did everything you could.